And another thing....about freedom.

When a moral choice is discussed, either in reference to the choice of a friend or one's own, it is helpful to keep in mind that the choice is in fact that of the individual, not of the parents or the society.  And that the choice is best judged in light of the relationship one has with God, in reference to our nature, our dignity.  Choices are best understood as a positive conforming to the human dignity we have been given rather than a conforming to societal (church or otherwise) norms.  This kind of choice is powerful and resonates internally rather than becoming a reluctant or resentful limiting according to the expectations of others.

I've been reading an interview with  Bryan Caplan, author of the book Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent Is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think. He appears to be the  anti–Tiger Mom. “Calm down and have more kids” is his message. (Caplan is a professor of economics at George Mason University.) His position (with references to "twin research")suggests that parents are not particularly important in the long run, shouldn't take themselves so seriously, and should  "focus on enjoying your journey and living every day together to the fullest." His tone is lighthearted and positive - but I see a couple of issues.

  Seems to me we're just talking about the age old tension between nature and nurture. I certainly see that each of my 5 (almost grown) kids was a unique person from birth. And I agree with Bryan that contemporary parents are out of control with their controlling patterns - and that they're stressing out for no purpose. But I can't go so far as to say that parents don't matter - I see the fruit of our approaches, choices and values in the character and preoccupations of each of my 5. The  attitudes they have toward politics, the relational attitude they have to God and church, the moral choices they make and uphold to their peers are the result of our purposeful formation. We have proposed a world view, loved them well and called them to serve each other and the world - and they do. We always understood that they would have a choice in how they would live - its that darn free will thing - and we tried to make an effective case for the choices we desired. And we had a lot of fun too.

What Have We Done - Raising Children and Human Freedom

My youngest son (17) is just back from an academic program at University of Dallas.  Two weeks with 20 or so other teens, reading literature and philosophy, playing capture the flag and ultimate frisbee, making new friends and flirting (quite a bit).  He had a great time.
We spent the evening receiving a bit of a data dump on his experiences there.  Much of what we heard were biographies of those he became friends with, the pranks they played, the jokes they told - but peppered in there were references to discussions of John Donne and Nietzche at 2AM (there was a curfew but sounds like it was routinely broken by these "great kids").  It warms a mother's (and a father's) heart.....
Sounds like UD has become a possibility for college applications.  That was part of our intent in spending the money to send him.  UD or not, it seemed like a program that would benefit him in several ways - resume building, perspective building.  The outcome seems to have fulfilled our hopes - he's full of comments about Antigone, Agammemnon and Shakespeare's Sonnet 94 (which I have been informed is "chill" - current teen speak for cool).  He wants to finish memorizing it. ( I am trying to contain myself!) 
Whether Prince 94 ends up going to UD or somewhere else our money was well spent, invested, in sending him to the summer program.
These kind of investments are part of proposing a way of life, of a way of focusing on eternal and essential truths to our children.  And this proposal is itself an essential element in respecting the freedom, the human freedom of our children.  In this, we imitate our Father who is the originator of our freedom.  He proposes Life to us and we in our turn, join in proposing Life to our maturing children.

Looking for solutions to the challenges we face

Three years of preparation for our regional efforts on developing a culture of discipleship and equipping our people as evangelists have enhanced my preoccupation with how we can address the contemporary situation effectively.  This morning, as I tried to fall back asleep, I was musing on the challenge of formation for the teachers of our schools, who are increasingly products of the secular society.  If we are lucky they "practice" but the question arises even then whether or not they are equipped to propose Christ to the students in an effective manner.

In the background of my thoughts, was the conversations with my sons, mentioned in the previous post.  We have (our team) recognized that not every "Catholic" teacher actually BELIEVES or thinks like a Catholic, and that many are not in fact clear in their own minds about what a life of discipleship implies.
And we recognize that evangelization is always the first step -  initial evangelization or re-evangelization (i.e. effective proclamation of the gospel),  But thinking about #83's comments about dualism and my understanding of his experience - it occurs to me that what we need to start with for our teachers (i.e. the teachers at my parish, my school) is a proposal of friendship.  This is where Giussani starts.  With an invitation for dinner, an invitation to conversation....
(What has made such a difference for my son is the incredible INTEREST the folks he has met at CL have had in HIM as a person.  He is not an object for their evangelization project or for recruitment to their organization.  He was invited into friendships - and they have had a profound effect in his life (especially in the past few difficult years).  It is not that he didn't have a deep faith when he met them - but his understanding of the lived out reality has expanded.)
We run the risk (always) of alienating our teachers as we attempt to form them in the faith - the formation "process" becomes just "one more thing" they are required to do for their professional life.  But their professional life is not, in fact, what we are concerned with.  It is in fact their WHOLE life that affects their ability to fulfill their vocation as a Catholic school teacher. Only a disciple can call forth disciples.  And disciples are what we need.

Backdrop to my musings

One day last week I was involved in a conversation with my two oldest sons which forms a backdrop for my thinking this morning. #85 returned home from a Youth Ministry retreat he had worked on for a neighboring parish.  He has been assisting there, off and on, for about 4 years.  He brings a deep understanding of his relationship with God to his work there.  He also brings his whole person - which (imho) is a reasonably well developed and rounded person. He has interests outside of church which he brings to bear in his relationships with the YM.  Music, trends in fashion, urban planning, sports, etc.  He is embarrassed and intrigued by the frequent adulation he encounters from both the kids and the parents there.  He and #83 were talking about how frequently the life of faith (as presented to kids anyway) seems to preclude interests outside of church, that "that" is the impression many young people have and they instinctively and/or eventually reject.  The point of their exchange was a rejection of that approach, an embrace of "incarnational" life and the pursuit of INTERESTS - which make one a more interesting person and are actually a fulfillment of what God has planted in us.  #83 remarked that anything else is a form of dualism - and inadequate. His experience reading Giussani and Caron, his conversations with Communion and Liberation SOC support the approach of looking for Christ in what fascinates, attracts, interests him.  So often what we are caught up in is a critique of the culture we live in - and there is certainly plenty to critique.  But what we really need to OFFER the culture is a positive alternative - not just a challenge - maybe not even a challenge in many cases - but an invitation to pursue the deepest longings of the human heart and find a life that is more than we ever imagined - through Christ.

Contentment

Contentment is an elusive thing - but sometimes it just creeps up on you - and then you must grab it and hold it close.

 Our world doesn't encourage (at all!) contentment.  If things are "good" we either begin striving for something more or fearing the loss of what we have.  I'm not sure that this is a purely modern reality - after all the Greeks wrote about hubris - warning that if you were too smug about your situation the gods would surely smack you down.  Perhaps this is why complaint is more common than contentment, even among the well-off.  Well, I mean, after all, surely there's always something to complain about, right?And I am as guilty as most.

Only right now, I'm experiencing contentment.  Jobs are going well for both DH and me.  The offspring are generally doing well - see below.  Prince 83 is not completely recovered from his lengthy illness but is improving.  And there is a little money to do some much needed and long awaited repairs and improvements to the house.

With five kids, Catholic school/and college tuitions and many years as a SAHM, I'm used to sorting through what I/we NEED from what I/we want.  And I'm far enough down the road not to lay awake at night dreaming of designer purses/clothes/shoes that I can't afford.  Heck, I don't even lay awake longing for stuff I can't buy at Target! But my desire for certain amenities, long deferred, like drapes on the front windows or a matching patio set has only been on hold, not eliminated. I'd like to think that my contentment is not contingent upon finances.  I am sad to report that it appears to be - quite contingent.  Working on that.

Living Vicariously

In general, I don't BELIEVE in living vicariously through one's children.  At least not in a serious fashion.  Nevertheless, I am currently enjoying a bit of vicarious pleasure in the upcoming summer plans of several of our kids.  The most exciting plans are those of the princess.  She'll be traveling in Europe for three months, visiting Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Czech Republic, France, England, Spain, Portugal and Gibraltar.  Whew.  In each of those locations she will be with a different friend - several of them natives of the country visited.  In a couple of instances, she will be with an American friend who is also visiting Europe.  But most of the time she will be staying in the family home of her European friends.  So cool.  She'll end her trip by attending World Youth Day with a million or so other Catholic youth in Gibraltar/Madrid - along with her two younger brothers whom she will meet up with in Gibraltar. (Meanwhile, they will have arrived in Gibraltar after a 6 day tour of Rome and Assisi) She'll return home (traveling with Prince 94)  in time for her cousin's wedding  in Napa and go directly from Napa to her MFA program beginning on the last Monday of August.  Again - whew.  Meanwhile, Prince 91 will remain in Europe, traveling for two weeks from Madrid to Dublin by a yet undetermined route - probably via Barcelona and France - accompanied by one or two other CUA students also on their way from WYD to a semester abroad program in Europe.  He'll be attending an exchange program at Trinity in Dublin and will intern at Irish Parliament as part of his program.  That compels a third WHEW!  I am so happy for them to have such an amazing summer.

Lynchpin

Sometimes when I pray and an idea or an image crosses my mind - I have a sense of resonance that exceeds reason or description - a sense of knowing that something is significant beyond my ability to articulate it.  Today the word is lynchpin. Dictionary definition: a central cohesive source of support and stability.  And that's supposed to be me.


The back story:
I'm really in it now.  Full on mid-life.  Or maybe it's really post-mid-life.  I'd like to think this is the midpoint anyway. 

Anyway.  The point is I am in a stage of life where I actually have choices.  At least some days I do.  My life is no longer a pell-mell rush for survival of the scheduled events of my many children's lives.  Fact is I only have one minor child left - and he drives himself where he wants to go.  I still make his lunch, do his laundry and give him money but otherwise, even he doesn't depend on me so much.  So, I can do other things.  And I do.  But just now, thinking, reflecting, I caught a glimpse of a role as mom that I have not thought of much before.  I am/can be a lynchpin. A point of connection, a proactive relationship builder, an opportunity maker for the interactions within my family.  We are in the end stage of "big family all in the house together".  Prince 85 will be getting married in December.  That would seem to be a definite end to "we all live together".  And the Princess will be in Europe for the summer and then grad school in the fall - chances are she won't ever "live" at home again.  And Prince 83, the oldest, is finally recovered enough from his lengthy illness to start talking about a job and his own place.  So, within a couple of months the exodus of our adult children will begin.  We won't gather around the dinner table most nights, hang out in the family room with music, tv and laptops.  And a couple of the kids are feeling somewhat sobered by that.  There's a strong sense that "we will never pass this way again". 

As I gave that some thought and some prayer this morning, the word lynchpin came to my mind as a description of my role/response to the place we're in. That I can proactively help my kids - mainly adults now- to make the most of this time in our lives.  By putting a little more effort into the role I play in making that dinner time a good time, into the meal and the conversation or activities.  Maybe requesting some game time after dinner, suggesting reading a book together at the dinner table, finding ways for us to build those relationships stronger, deeper. To help all of us really LIVE together, while we're here, right now.

Man up - your twenties are a terrible thing to waste....

Just reading an interview with author Kay Hymowitz about her new book  Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys. She is talking about the emergence of a new developmental stage in our society, the stage of the pre-adult.  I've heard others simply assert that adolescence now extends to somewhere around 25-27.  Whatever you call it, life in one's twenties for the middle class "young adult" is much different in 2011 than it was in 1980.  The children are still playing and the adults are still paying much longer than ever before.  With unfortunate consequences for the individuals and for the society.  The interview concludes with the comment
"You.... have the time and freedom to figure out how to live a meaningful life. Get busy. Your twenties are a terrible thing to waste".

Amen.

Death

Our long awaited parish mission (a Family Faith Festival for all ages!) opened last night with Fr. Stan Fortuna.  After loads of promotion and a weekend of Masses with Fr. Stan, our church was packed.  Just as I was about to introduce Fr. Stan there was a ruckus in the corner near our adoration chapel and voices hollering for a doctor.  One of our most stalwart parishioners had collapsed.  For about 20 minutes, until the EMTs arrived, chest compressions were administered and a few gasping breaths could be heard from our dear brother.  Fr. Stan led the assembly in the rosary and we prayed, prayed, prayed.  Finally the EMTs arrived, executed their processes and seemed to have reestablished a pulse before they took him to the hospital.  Our pastor was away but the deacon followed the family to the hospital.  40 minutes later Deacon texted me that our brother had passed on and to please have the assembly pray for the repose of his soul and for the consolation of his family.  In the aftermath, many remarked that church was a fitting departure scene for this pillar of our parish.  He had been in adoration chapel that morning before Mass, his regular routine and had been taking care of some parish business in the afternoon.  It was a quite typical day for him  and reflected the steady and faithful practice of his life which was so rooted in his faith and at the parish.


This event and the loss of a school parent last week have brought the reality of death to our door.  This morning at Mass, with our 6th,7th and 8th graders present, Fr. Stan preached about a verse from Isaiah which promises the God's word will be fruitful - and the reality of a  love that is stronger than death - a reality which we can encounter through the Love which is revealed in Jesus.  He was powerful and passionate in his preaching and I can only hope that he was heard.  This of course, is the final point of what we are about.  My son remarked this morning that as he prayed last night he shifted his focus from prayer for the victim to prayer for the family - prayer that each of them has an understanding of Christ's presence in this moment in REALITY!

Challenge and change

One method of personal prayer, and a widely taught approach, has the pray-er reflecting on the events of the day looking for light and shadows and sources of joy and sorrow.  As I've tried to incorporate this element in my daily prayer, it has become clear to me that the discomfort or anxiety that I feel about various events or patterns in my life should lead me to pray about the source with an eye to possible changes I need to make or encourage.  Not exactly rocket science but easy to forget.

There's someone in my life that I think is persistently dis-content.  And has cause because of the demands in life that he/she has responded to that have limited their time/energy/money to do anything that they would like to do for fun or fulfillment or even for others goods.  The problem is that it seems to flow from compulsion combined with obligation and without an ability to say "no" except when all resources have been completely drained.  And this all makes them rather cranky, irritable and somewhat distant.  There is a perpetual resignation in the air.  It seems to me that their "generosity" in the end is limiting their LOVE - and they should probably pray about limits.  But I'm not the one to tell them....

Laugh like a maniac

Out there in blogland Betty Duffy has been ruminating on the brevity of parenting small children.  Her desire to keep her kids safe from the dangers "out there" has to resonate with every parent.  Thinking on her post led to some discussion with her in the comments box about what a parent can do to pass on the faith and to keep our children safe.  Sooner or later, we must entrust "our" children to God and let them go.  The question of exactly when we start to let go has to be on a case by case basis...and in the end, we can only do the best we can, pray like crazy and laugh like a maniac.