I'll call her Betty, a woman I've been talking with at church over the past year. She brought her daughter for First Communion and decided it was time for her to get things in order in her own life and become confirmed. So she came through my class. She's a cheerful but wounded soul with many regrets about past choices that have landed her in a very difficult place. She's working her tail off, has two jobs, trying to figure her life out and how to meet her responsibilities - and meanwhile she's carrying around a heap of guilt and anxiety. One thing that's very clear is that she knows she needs God in her life, she wants God in her life and she's really trying to do the right thing. Over the summer we talked about her desire to join the Bible Study class that would begin in September. But we're three weeks in and she hasn't made it. I included her in a mass email about something else and received a guilt ridden apology for "failing God again" regarding not making it to the study. So that's one story. Hold on to it.
Second story: I was speaking with someone about a family member, married outside the church for many years. He wants to get his marriage blessed and return to the sacraments. Meanwhile, he doesn't go to church and tells his mom that he knows he "should" go anyway but without being able to fully participate he's not very motivated - but he feels guilty.
What do these two stories have in common? This idea that somehow when we don't do what we "know we should" that we're failing God, that we're being bad. That notion so falls short of the reality it makes me crazy just thinking about it. What is it about us, we humans, that we think that we can "fail God"? What's really happening is that we are MISSING OUT!
Does a child have to be threatened that if they don't show up for Christmas they'll be in trouble? No. Not ever. Why is that? Because the child is very clear that Christmas is just about the best day ever in the year and there's no way a kid would want to miss it. Similarly, when Betty doesn't make it to Mass or to Bible Study, what she should recognize is that she didn't receive the gift she might have if she had made it. So, it is a loss - to her! By extension, perhaps we could say it is a loss for God as well, because he wants every good thing for us. But we're not failing God, we're failing ourselves. We all (as a church, as individuals) need to hold up the reality that when we show up for God we're coming to RECEIVE, to be sustained and fed and nourished and gifted (!) not to MEASURE UP to God's expectations or standards. There are a lot of things we do that we should feel a little (or a lot) of guilt for. And if we're lazy or self indulgent and we fail ourselves and others we should indeed feel guilt - guilt is an emotion intended to call us to change. But if we're sick and exhausted and strung out - or stuck in the aftermath of a bad choice and trying to work it out - well, wallowing in guilt is not the best course. There's good guilt that calls us to change our course, our behavior. And then there's bad guilt - the kind that paralyzes us and makes us feel rotten - but doesn't motivate us to change.
