THE Catholic University of America

So the young prince is officially away at college. The Catholic University of America. Big emphasis on "the" - because it is the only pontifical university in the US. I left him yesterday afternoon after 2+days of orientation - my tears were stuffed until later, big hugs and I walked away. Just. Like.That.
It's over. Well as any parent knows, not really, but it is a big bleeping deal, this drop off at the new school. And I thought kindergarten was hard. Well.

One consolation is the school itself. Or rather the vision the school projects. I was impressed with  the consistent themes across all the presentations - class wide and program specific- over and over I heard "life of faith, cultivation of virtue, respect for the human person, dignity of the person, care for the poor, commitment to serve". And his departmental presentation - business and economics - was inspirational. The chair, Dr.Abela, is Maltese (great accent) and he talked about the desire for success and what that means. And that is much more than just money. By the time he was done I was very pleased that Brian would be in their department - which as of next year will be its own school, splitting with the college of arts and sciences.

There seems to be a lot of attention to the individual and I have little concern that my boy will get lost - too many people are engaged in making sure he doesn't. But I suspect he's not too sure he wants to be so far from home, his family and friends. We'll see if this distance is tolerable for him.  At least he has his brother who is a senior here.

We'll be okay. Eventually.

Gifted

The youngest child of a rather large family can sometimes end up as the last child standing.  By that I mean, all the older children have grown up and moved out and the last two or three years of high school, he ends up as effectively an only child.  I've seen it happen with several friends of ours and generally, the kid doesn't like being an only child after a lifetime of noise and rowdiness surrounded by siblings.

When our youngest became aware of this likelihood, he didn't like it at all and we knew it would be hard when it happended. Especially because it would probably be at the beginning of his sophomore year in high school - leaving him an "only" for three full years before college. Except right around the time his brother headed out, his oldest brother got very sick and came home.  Then the second oldest moved home to grad school. And then his sister graduated from college and she came home for a year before grad school.  So, over the past 3 years (he's a senior now) he has always had at least 1 sibling, often 2 - 3.  And life around here has been dynamic and interesting and fun for him. Sometimes he would choose to stay home on a weekend night, just to hang out with his brothers or his sister.

Our oldest son is now mostly recovered and getting back to work.  Once he has steady income, he'll be moving out.  He remarked on this whole "only" child threat yesterday, and said something about his illness being God's plan so that the youngest wouldn't have to go through that.  And I said I'm not sure I believe God makes you sick.  And his response:  "Everything is gift, I believe everything is gift."  And that's true.

Celebrate

This past Saturday we hosted a dinner at home, a Lord's Day Celebration (kinda like a Jewish Sabbath) in honor of our son, Prince 85 and his bride the Princess K.  About 40 friends were present as we prayed and sang and rejoiced in the many ways that God has loved us.  It was an evening I don't want to forget, full of smiles and hugs and laughter, good conversation and some re-connecting. 

Nephew Jake, Goof Ball, Semper Fi

Jake, you used to be a goof ball.  Then you grew up and became a Marine.  You look so strong and dignified in your dress uniform.  And I am convinced that you are an excellent Marine. But I suspect you are still a goof ball.  You just hide it well.

In this moment, as you prepare to go, I see images of you as a toddler playing with Paul, as a goofy kid with braces, as a sober/hilarious teen and as a focused emerging adult at college.  And of you in your dress uniform – so straight and strong and determined.  It’s a far distance that you will travel, not just in miles but in experience and I expect that the intensity of both the brotherhood and the challenges you deal with in the coming year will be with you forever. In the midst of it – in the moments of boredom and tedium as well as the times of danger and loss I pray that you will cling to Jesus (he too has been to hell and back). If you do, He will bring healing to your soul in every way and in every need. 

You are still a goof ball.

Love you,

Aunt Katie

Any time the soul chooses to isolate rather than to embrace, it is the ego

Betty Duffy included this reference, uncited, in a post this week  and it struck me hard.  How may times have I willed to remove myself from a situation that was not to my liking - at church , in my community or family - thinking that I'd just about had it with this "whatever" - and how many times was  it a manifestation of exactly this dynamic?  Something to think about.

Sustained or Guilty

I'll call her Betty, a woman I've been talking with at church over the past year.  She brought her daughter for First Communion and decided it was time for her to get things in order in her own life and become confirmed.  So she came through my class.  She's a cheerful but wounded soul with many regrets about past choices that have landed her in a very difficult place.  She's working her tail off, has two jobs, trying to figure her life out and how to meet her responsibilities - and meanwhile she's carrying around a heap of guilt and anxiety.  One thing that's very clear is that she knows she needs God in her life, she wants God in her life and she's really trying to do the right thing.  Over the summer we talked about her desire to join the Bible Study class that would begin in September.  But we're three weeks in and she hasn't made it.  I included her in a mass email about something else and received a guilt ridden apology for "failing God again" regarding not making it to the study.  So that's one story.  Hold on to it.

Second story: I was speaking with someone about a family member, married outside the church for many years.  He wants to get his marriage blessed and return to the sacraments.  Meanwhile, he doesn't go to church and tells his mom that he knows he "should" go anyway but without being able to fully participate he's not very motivated - but he feels guilty.

What do these two stories have in common?  This idea that somehow when we don't do what we "know we should" that we're failing God, that we're being bad.  That notion so falls short of the reality it makes me crazy just thinking about it.  What is it about us, we humans, that we think that we can "fail God"? What's really happening is that we are MISSING OUT!

Does a child have to be threatened that if they don't show up for Christmas they'll be in trouble?  No. Not ever.  Why is that?  Because the child is very clear that Christmas is just about the best day ever in the year and there's no way a kid would want to miss it.  Similarly, when Betty doesn't make it to Mass or to Bible Study, what she should recognize is that she didn't receive the gift she might have if she had made it.  So, it is a loss - to her! By extension, perhaps we could say it is a loss for God as well, because he wants every good thing for us.  But we're not failing God, we're failing ourselves.  We all (as a church, as individuals) need to  hold up the reality that when we show up for God we're coming to RECEIVE, to be sustained and fed and nourished and gifted (!) not to MEASURE UP to God's expectations or standards.  There are a lot of things we do that we should feel a little (or a lot) of guilt for.  And if we're lazy or self indulgent and we fail ourselves and others we should indeed feel guilt - guilt is an emotion intended to call us to change.  But if we're sick and exhausted and strung out - or stuck in the aftermath of a bad choice and trying to work it out - well, wallowing in guilt is not the best course.  There's good guilt that calls us to change our course, our behavior.  And then there's bad guilt - the kind that paralyzes us and makes us feel rotten - but doesn't motivate us to change.

And another thing....about freedom.

When a moral choice is discussed, either in reference to the choice of a friend or one's own, it is helpful to keep in mind that the choice is in fact that of the individual, not of the parents or the society.  And that the choice is best judged in light of the relationship one has with God, in reference to our nature, our dignity.  Choices are best understood as a positive conforming to the human dignity we have been given rather than a conforming to societal (church or otherwise) norms.  This kind of choice is powerful and resonates internally rather than becoming a reluctant or resentful limiting according to the expectations of others.

I've been reading an interview with  Bryan Caplan, author of the book Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids: Why Being a Great Parent Is Less Work and More Fun Than You Think. He appears to be the  anti–Tiger Mom. “Calm down and have more kids” is his message. (Caplan is a professor of economics at George Mason University.) His position (with references to "twin research")suggests that parents are not particularly important in the long run, shouldn't take themselves so seriously, and should  "focus on enjoying your journey and living every day together to the fullest." His tone is lighthearted and positive - but I see a couple of issues.

  Seems to me we're just talking about the age old tension between nature and nurture. I certainly see that each of my 5 (almost grown) kids was a unique person from birth. And I agree with Bryan that contemporary parents are out of control with their controlling patterns - and that they're stressing out for no purpose. But I can't go so far as to say that parents don't matter - I see the fruit of our approaches, choices and values in the character and preoccupations of each of my 5. The  attitudes they have toward politics, the relational attitude they have to God and church, the moral choices they make and uphold to their peers are the result of our purposeful formation. We have proposed a world view, loved them well and called them to serve each other and the world - and they do. We always understood that they would have a choice in how they would live - its that darn free will thing - and we tried to make an effective case for the choices we desired. And we had a lot of fun too.

What Have We Done - Raising Children and Human Freedom

My youngest son (17) is just back from an academic program at University of Dallas.  Two weeks with 20 or so other teens, reading literature and philosophy, playing capture the flag and ultimate frisbee, making new friends and flirting (quite a bit).  He had a great time.
We spent the evening receiving a bit of a data dump on his experiences there.  Much of what we heard were biographies of those he became friends with, the pranks they played, the jokes they told - but peppered in there were references to discussions of John Donne and Nietzche at 2AM (there was a curfew but sounds like it was routinely broken by these "great kids").  It warms a mother's (and a father's) heart.....
Sounds like UD has become a possibility for college applications.  That was part of our intent in spending the money to send him.  UD or not, it seemed like a program that would benefit him in several ways - resume building, perspective building.  The outcome seems to have fulfilled our hopes - he's full of comments about Antigone, Agammemnon and Shakespeare's Sonnet 94 (which I have been informed is "chill" - current teen speak for cool).  He wants to finish memorizing it. ( I am trying to contain myself!) 
Whether Prince 94 ends up going to UD or somewhere else our money was well spent, invested, in sending him to the summer program.
These kind of investments are part of proposing a way of life, of a way of focusing on eternal and essential truths to our children.  And this proposal is itself an essential element in respecting the freedom, the human freedom of our children.  In this, we imitate our Father who is the originator of our freedom.  He proposes Life to us and we in our turn, join in proposing Life to our maturing children.

Looking for solutions to the challenges we face

Three years of preparation for our regional efforts on developing a culture of discipleship and equipping our people as evangelists have enhanced my preoccupation with how we can address the contemporary situation effectively.  This morning, as I tried to fall back asleep, I was musing on the challenge of formation for the teachers of our schools, who are increasingly products of the secular society.  If we are lucky they "practice" but the question arises even then whether or not they are equipped to propose Christ to the students in an effective manner.

In the background of my thoughts, was the conversations with my sons, mentioned in the previous post.  We have (our team) recognized that not every "Catholic" teacher actually BELIEVES or thinks like a Catholic, and that many are not in fact clear in their own minds about what a life of discipleship implies.
And we recognize that evangelization is always the first step -  initial evangelization or re-evangelization (i.e. effective proclamation of the gospel),  But thinking about #83's comments about dualism and my understanding of his experience - it occurs to me that what we need to start with for our teachers (i.e. the teachers at my parish, my school) is a proposal of friendship.  This is where Giussani starts.  With an invitation for dinner, an invitation to conversation....
(What has made such a difference for my son is the incredible INTEREST the folks he has met at CL have had in HIM as a person.  He is not an object for their evangelization project or for recruitment to their organization.  He was invited into friendships - and they have had a profound effect in his life (especially in the past few difficult years).  It is not that he didn't have a deep faith when he met them - but his understanding of the lived out reality has expanded.)
We run the risk (always) of alienating our teachers as we attempt to form them in the faith - the formation "process" becomes just "one more thing" they are required to do for their professional life.  But their professional life is not, in fact, what we are concerned with.  It is in fact their WHOLE life that affects their ability to fulfill their vocation as a Catholic school teacher. Only a disciple can call forth disciples.  And disciples are what we need.

Backdrop to my musings

One day last week I was involved in a conversation with my two oldest sons which forms a backdrop for my thinking this morning. #85 returned home from a Youth Ministry retreat he had worked on for a neighboring parish.  He has been assisting there, off and on, for about 4 years.  He brings a deep understanding of his relationship with God to his work there.  He also brings his whole person - which (imho) is a reasonably well developed and rounded person. He has interests outside of church which he brings to bear in his relationships with the YM.  Music, trends in fashion, urban planning, sports, etc.  He is embarrassed and intrigued by the frequent adulation he encounters from both the kids and the parents there.  He and #83 were talking about how frequently the life of faith (as presented to kids anyway) seems to preclude interests outside of church, that "that" is the impression many young people have and they instinctively and/or eventually reject.  The point of their exchange was a rejection of that approach, an embrace of "incarnational" life and the pursuit of INTERESTS - which make one a more interesting person and are actually a fulfillment of what God has planted in us.  #83 remarked that anything else is a form of dualism - and inadequate. His experience reading Giussani and Caron, his conversations with Communion and Liberation SOC support the approach of looking for Christ in what fascinates, attracts, interests him.  So often what we are caught up in is a critique of the culture we live in - and there is certainly plenty to critique.  But what we really need to OFFER the culture is a positive alternative - not just a challenge - maybe not even a challenge in many cases - but an invitation to pursue the deepest longings of the human heart and find a life that is more than we ever imagined - through Christ.

Contentment

Contentment is an elusive thing - but sometimes it just creeps up on you - and then you must grab it and hold it close.

 Our world doesn't encourage (at all!) contentment.  If things are "good" we either begin striving for something more or fearing the loss of what we have.  I'm not sure that this is a purely modern reality - after all the Greeks wrote about hubris - warning that if you were too smug about your situation the gods would surely smack you down.  Perhaps this is why complaint is more common than contentment, even among the well-off.  Well, I mean, after all, surely there's always something to complain about, right?And I am as guilty as most.

Only right now, I'm experiencing contentment.  Jobs are going well for both DH and me.  The offspring are generally doing well - see below.  Prince 83 is not completely recovered from his lengthy illness but is improving.  And there is a little money to do some much needed and long awaited repairs and improvements to the house.

With five kids, Catholic school/and college tuitions and many years as a SAHM, I'm used to sorting through what I/we NEED from what I/we want.  And I'm far enough down the road not to lay awake at night dreaming of designer purses/clothes/shoes that I can't afford.  Heck, I don't even lay awake longing for stuff I can't buy at Target! But my desire for certain amenities, long deferred, like drapes on the front windows or a matching patio set has only been on hold, not eliminated. I'd like to think that my contentment is not contingent upon finances.  I am sad to report that it appears to be - quite contingent.  Working on that.

Living Vicariously

In general, I don't BELIEVE in living vicariously through one's children.  At least not in a serious fashion.  Nevertheless, I am currently enjoying a bit of vicarious pleasure in the upcoming summer plans of several of our kids.  The most exciting plans are those of the princess.  She'll be traveling in Europe for three months, visiting Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Czech Republic, France, England, Spain, Portugal and Gibraltar.  Whew.  In each of those locations she will be with a different friend - several of them natives of the country visited.  In a couple of instances, she will be with an American friend who is also visiting Europe.  But most of the time she will be staying in the family home of her European friends.  So cool.  She'll end her trip by attending World Youth Day with a million or so other Catholic youth in Gibraltar/Madrid - along with her two younger brothers whom she will meet up with in Gibraltar. (Meanwhile, they will have arrived in Gibraltar after a 6 day tour of Rome and Assisi) She'll return home (traveling with Prince 94)  in time for her cousin's wedding  in Napa and go directly from Napa to her MFA program beginning on the last Monday of August.  Again - whew.  Meanwhile, Prince 91 will remain in Europe, traveling for two weeks from Madrid to Dublin by a yet undetermined route - probably via Barcelona and France - accompanied by one or two other CUA students also on their way from WYD to a semester abroad program in Europe.  He'll be attending an exchange program at Trinity in Dublin and will intern at Irish Parliament as part of his program.  That compels a third WHEW!  I am so happy for them to have such an amazing summer.

Lynchpin

Sometimes when I pray and an idea or an image crosses my mind - I have a sense of resonance that exceeds reason or description - a sense of knowing that something is significant beyond my ability to articulate it.  Today the word is lynchpin. Dictionary definition: a central cohesive source of support and stability.  And that's supposed to be me.


The back story:
I'm really in it now.  Full on mid-life.  Or maybe it's really post-mid-life.  I'd like to think this is the midpoint anyway. 

Anyway.  The point is I am in a stage of life where I actually have choices.  At least some days I do.  My life is no longer a pell-mell rush for survival of the scheduled events of my many children's lives.  Fact is I only have one minor child left - and he drives himself where he wants to go.  I still make his lunch, do his laundry and give him money but otherwise, even he doesn't depend on me so much.  So, I can do other things.  And I do.  But just now, thinking, reflecting, I caught a glimpse of a role as mom that I have not thought of much before.  I am/can be a lynchpin. A point of connection, a proactive relationship builder, an opportunity maker for the interactions within my family.  We are in the end stage of "big family all in the house together".  Prince 85 will be getting married in December.  That would seem to be a definite end to "we all live together".  And the Princess will be in Europe for the summer and then grad school in the fall - chances are she won't ever "live" at home again.  And Prince 83, the oldest, is finally recovered enough from his lengthy illness to start talking about a job and his own place.  So, within a couple of months the exodus of our adult children will begin.  We won't gather around the dinner table most nights, hang out in the family room with music, tv and laptops.  And a couple of the kids are feeling somewhat sobered by that.  There's a strong sense that "we will never pass this way again". 

As I gave that some thought and some prayer this morning, the word lynchpin came to my mind as a description of my role/response to the place we're in. That I can proactively help my kids - mainly adults now- to make the most of this time in our lives.  By putting a little more effort into the role I play in making that dinner time a good time, into the meal and the conversation or activities.  Maybe requesting some game time after dinner, suggesting reading a book together at the dinner table, finding ways for us to build those relationships stronger, deeper. To help all of us really LIVE together, while we're here, right now.

Man up - your twenties are a terrible thing to waste....

Just reading an interview with author Kay Hymowitz about her new book  Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys. She is talking about the emergence of a new developmental stage in our society, the stage of the pre-adult.  I've heard others simply assert that adolescence now extends to somewhere around 25-27.  Whatever you call it, life in one's twenties for the middle class "young adult" is much different in 2011 than it was in 1980.  The children are still playing and the adults are still paying much longer than ever before.  With unfortunate consequences for the individuals and for the society.  The interview concludes with the comment
"You.... have the time and freedom to figure out how to live a meaningful life. Get busy. Your twenties are a terrible thing to waste".

Amen.

Death

Our long awaited parish mission (a Family Faith Festival for all ages!) opened last night with Fr. Stan Fortuna.  After loads of promotion and a weekend of Masses with Fr. Stan, our church was packed.  Just as I was about to introduce Fr. Stan there was a ruckus in the corner near our adoration chapel and voices hollering for a doctor.  One of our most stalwart parishioners had collapsed.  For about 20 minutes, until the EMTs arrived, chest compressions were administered and a few gasping breaths could be heard from our dear brother.  Fr. Stan led the assembly in the rosary and we prayed, prayed, prayed.  Finally the EMTs arrived, executed their processes and seemed to have reestablished a pulse before they took him to the hospital.  Our pastor was away but the deacon followed the family to the hospital.  40 minutes later Deacon texted me that our brother had passed on and to please have the assembly pray for the repose of his soul and for the consolation of his family.  In the aftermath, many remarked that church was a fitting departure scene for this pillar of our parish.  He had been in adoration chapel that morning before Mass, his regular routine and had been taking care of some parish business in the afternoon.  It was a quite typical day for him  and reflected the steady and faithful practice of his life which was so rooted in his faith and at the parish.


This event and the loss of a school parent last week have brought the reality of death to our door.  This morning at Mass, with our 6th,7th and 8th graders present, Fr. Stan preached about a verse from Isaiah which promises the God's word will be fruitful - and the reality of a  love that is stronger than death - a reality which we can encounter through the Love which is revealed in Jesus.  He was powerful and passionate in his preaching and I can only hope that he was heard.  This of course, is the final point of what we are about.  My son remarked this morning that as he prayed last night he shifted his focus from prayer for the victim to prayer for the family - prayer that each of them has an understanding of Christ's presence in this moment in REALITY!

Challenge and change

One method of personal prayer, and a widely taught approach, has the pray-er reflecting on the events of the day looking for light and shadows and sources of joy and sorrow.  As I've tried to incorporate this element in my daily prayer, it has become clear to me that the discomfort or anxiety that I feel about various events or patterns in my life should lead me to pray about the source with an eye to possible changes I need to make or encourage.  Not exactly rocket science but easy to forget.

There's someone in my life that I think is persistently dis-content.  And has cause because of the demands in life that he/she has responded to that have limited their time/energy/money to do anything that they would like to do for fun or fulfillment or even for others goods.  The problem is that it seems to flow from compulsion combined with obligation and without an ability to say "no" except when all resources have been completely drained.  And this all makes them rather cranky, irritable and somewhat distant.  There is a perpetual resignation in the air.  It seems to me that their "generosity" in the end is limiting their LOVE - and they should probably pray about limits.  But I'm not the one to tell them....

Laugh like a maniac

Out there in blogland Betty Duffy has been ruminating on the brevity of parenting small children.  Her desire to keep her kids safe from the dangers "out there" has to resonate with every parent.  Thinking on her post led to some discussion with her in the comments box about what a parent can do to pass on the faith and to keep our children safe.  Sooner or later, we must entrust "our" children to God and let them go.  The question of exactly when we start to let go has to be on a case by case basis...and in the end, we can only do the best we can, pray like crazy and laugh like a maniac.

Thoughts in the dark

The house is almost empty this weekend.  Is it a bad sign that I so welcome the emptiness?

As I woke to a wide open day with few demands but plenty to fill it, I lay in bed probing my emotional state.  Yesterday was not demanding either - quite a change of pace - and I got very little done.  I'm plagued with a vague dissatisfaction and trying to identify its source.  A little prayer, a little thinking - aha - I have it.  I'm not believing my own story, the theme of my own narrative.  My perspectives have shifted - God's still the center - but the consequences of that orientation and some of the decisions I have made because of it are up for evaluation - and I'm uncomfortable.

So, for the first time all week, I prayed first today.  Picked up Anthony Bloom's "Courage to Pray" and did it.  He says some challenging things about coming to prayer with integrity - being authentic and not pretending to be someone else altogether.  He also point out that we often seek a mystical experience - when we should be seeking repentance and conversion.  And that's a risky thing.

So, I talked to God about my "authentic" self.  About how I feel, what I fear, about my need for gratitude and wisdom and perspective.  Life is changing right before my eyes. And things are good, life is full and I am grateful.  But there's this shift in perspective I'm experiencing, an expansion of my horizon that I'm tempted to apply to my past - which is a hazardous thing to do.  When I look back on some of the choices that I, that we have made,  I need His eyes.   JPII so often said "Fear Not" but I think I had some  underlying fears.  When I try to put those fears into words they sound ridiculous - or reasonable.  But the critical issue, whether the fears were ridiculous or reasonable, is my trust in God.  Sara created a lot of problems when she failed to trust God's promise to Abraham.  Haggai's offspring have been at odds with Sara's ever since Sara took things into her own hands to ensure the fulfillment of God's promise to Abraham.  It's a classic problem.  Trusting God takes practice - and courage.  Working on that.

Maternity, then and now

I love having children.  I have loved having children. I am loving children.

 I heard something about the mission of motherhood today - and its call on every woman's life - childbearing or not.  I heard that its in a woman's nature to carry life to the world - not just physical life but spiritual life - and that this is God's gift to woman, and His call.

Tonight I had a little piece to present at the 1st year confirmation program's introductory parent meeting.  Basically, my pitch to parents to nurture their own faith in order to nurture their kids.  "You are the primary educators of your children." That kind of stuff.  At the last minute I thought to bring several great books I've been offering for sale - hadn't thought to sell them at meetings - but I did buy them for parents and others with questions about how to talk about Jesus, the Church, Mass, prayer.  I also suggested joining our Bible Study, coming to a Marriage Workshop, saving a date for a retreat...

Quite a response to my offer of the books.  And I am reminded of how fraught raising teens is, in so many ways.  It's hard to talk to some teens about anything at all.  And if they do ask tough questions, they tend to stymie parents.  My suggestions focus on a delicate balancing act.  As the parent(s), we have a right and responsibility to determine how our household functions - especially as regards expected routines and behaviors.  It is perfectly reasonable - and desirable - to say "We go to church as a family every (barring emergencies) Sunday".  It is not reasonable to respond to a query or challenge about belief with "Because I said so", "Because our family is Catholic" or other shut down answers.  The teen years are important years for asking questions about meaning, identity, choices...